It's been a while since I wrote something here, maybe because I'm not so good at pursuing anything that I start. I have so many ideas, interests, days filled with thoughts, languages, news, soap operas, translations, work, I process too many words and events every day that somebody could say - wow, she is such an active young woman.. yet I'm merely a pair of eyes that absorb the outside world. I'm my thoughts, I'm the images reflected on the screen on my TV set and my computer. I monitor the lives of others, I can't say no when they need my "verbal" help. But all this happens in the range of some 30 m2 where I move very cautiously, as though if I accidentally trip and fall, I could disappear. I absorb life from my bed or living room armchair, making only those extremely necessary steps because at this period (it's always a matter of days in which a new obsession haunts me) it seems to me that if I stand on my feet, I will instantly fall and break something and never get up again. I have the images of disabled people in my head, images of old people who sit and lie all day long and I seem to cling to them and can't help being stuck. I can't help projecting myself into all BAD things that I see, hear, read or recall, even though they have never happened to me. My imagination is all too vivid for my taste all the same and scares me almost every moment of my waking life. It's like never ending horror movie that I keep watching and watching as though it were some kind of my own personal dark reality show which can't be switched off. I ask myself right now why my obsessive nature never picks up some nice and beautiful detail to dwell on and on, why it seems that there is no hope, why am I constantly and infallibly tricking myself into believing something that has nothing to do with the truth.. why do I continue to check up on my sanity at least 150 times a day, especially when I have nothing to do? Why this feeling that something is utterly wrong and different from before never goes away? I consider myself a smart, logical person with normally developed common sense, I perceive distortions in others and in myself as well, but somehow I can't convince myself to feel life differently. It outsmarts the logic because it has nothing to do with logic at all. It's all about feelings. Mixed, confused, wrong sensations, wired into some distorted picture of the real life around me. It's a "trip" that surely never ends, although I've never tried any drugs. I just want to get off this crazy bus that is running in some very wrong direction 500 miles per hour, because I've never even asked to get on. I haven't paid the fare and there is no driver in here, no destination, no rules of conduct. Maybe the only rule is that that there are no rules and the moment you think you're close to figuring at least something out, everything changes. The bus never stops and the doors are broken and closed, it seems that even if I tried to jump out at this speed I would break my neck and disappear into nothing. There are many seats inside, but none of them is comfortable, I've tried them all. And everything I can see through its smudged windows is darkness and some creepy landscape which makes my fear even stronger. I don't know where I am and why, I can ask those questions millions of times but I have to understand that there is no answer, at least at this moment. Human brain is so complex that it will take many more years of research to understand why I was having these problems. Maybe somebody will find the cure, but it won't be in my lifetime. I don't know if I believe in God, but I know that I would like to be able to see from the sky above the day when that cure helps someone like me and give that person his or her life back again. My tears of happiness would be like a downpour of never ending rain from above if that moment ever comes. Maybe there is something as simple as a pill which takes away your infection in several days, but we don't know about it. Oblivion is a very expensive thing, for the simple fact of "not knowing" my whole life is being sold out at a very cheap price. Reduced to pieces, details, square meters.. but the worst is still to come, it can stay this way for the rest of my days and I'm not sure I'll be able to bear it. It gives me creeps just to read again what I wrote here because I do know that it is somehow "all in my head", I just don't know which road to take - should I investigate further, analyse my cognitive distortions, dismiss my thoughts and feelings, pretend as always, should I watch TV as it makes me even more unreal, should I force myself to do anything when I don't have any desire at all to do things and to be forced.. I just don't know and it makes me so angry, because if I just knew the road to recovery, I wouldn't go astray not even for a millimeter...
It's not good anyhow, so what I intend to do from tomorrow morning is to try to dedicate the next 16 weeks to Lucinda Bassett's "Attacking anxiety" program. I started it, but I dropped it in the middle as I always do, which is one of my numerous problems. And I do have some "infected wounds" somewhere deep down in my soul that haunt me, but a dirty band-aid over them is preventing me from seeing them well. On the surface, everything's fine, I don't have obligations, I don't HAVE to do anything at all but I'm still "freaking out" as if my life were stressful as hell itself. As if I had forgotten about something very important and very bad and it hurts me, waiting to be solved. I would just want to wake up tomorrow morning and see the life for what it is, nothing more or nothing less. Get up without questions and horrible thoughts and just mind my own business. All day long. Having the feeling - this is fine, I feel fine. And believe it. Sounds so very simple, doesn't it? 95 % of world population has it that simple. Not knowing how blessed they are. I can't blame them because once I didn't know how blessed I was, too. I was one of them. It's simply a curse of being human - we never appreciate what we have and seek what we don't have. One can't make a rich man appreciate having money, one can't make a sane person appreciate health.. at least not in a real, true way. Not up until we start thinking - and it's usually only when we start suffering that we start thinking, we take our lives for granted and always cry for more. It's never enough.. good enough, beautiful enough, rich enough, tasty enough, trendy enough.. In my case I guess this battle is not easy enough, so I don't try hard. I'm sad, angry, disgusted, down, hopeless.. I don't believe strong enough. In my life, in my abilities, in my strength to overcome all this. And yet I know that I'm very strong because I'm putting up with this horror every day. And it really is as bad as I said before, even if it seems like some stupid psycho thriller. But you would never say if you had a chance to meet me. If that's not strength, I don't know what strength is. I just have to believe. Strong enough. That some dreams do come true. That some battles can be won.
If you didn't watch this year's Eurosong, then you missed an important song. If you watched it, just stop for a second to think about it's lyrics. For some reason, it won the contest. Was it for Dima Bilan's looks and voice or his companion's great skating abilities or maybe for a ultra-expensive violin we had a chance to see on the stage? Maybe, who knows. But maybe it was exactly for the fact hidden in the words of one lady who gave the results of her country's votes. She said: "Dima Bilan asked us to believe him. And we believed."
He had some 3 minutes to represent his country the best he could. To sing something. He could sing about anything at all really. But that mixture of his youth, looks, superb skating skills and an extraordinary violin just added strength to the hope each one of us need to live our lives. We all have problems, big and small. Personal battles, victories and defeats. But if we start the fight without thinking that in some way we can win it even if it seems 110% impossible and against every logic, we stand no chance at all. We get defeated without even trying. Unless we believe.
So if anyone ever reads this, even when it is so hard and nothing makes sense, try listening to this song. If it helps just a tiny little bit, it's some kind of a start. Life with a mental disease can be very painful, confusing, unreal, strange, horrible. But it's your only life. Don't throw it away because even if it's so mixed up and weird, everybody you know and everything you have is in it, right here. And it's much better than nothing. It can't get much worse if you're already in the boat. But nobody can say that it can't get better, somewhere, some day, somehow. Believe me.
BELIEVE
EVEN WHEN THE THUNDER AND STORM BEGIN
NOTHING'S GONNA MOVE THIS MOUNTAIN
OR CHANGE MY DIRECTION
I'M FALLING OFF THAT SKY AND I'M ALL ALONE
THE COURAGE THAT'S INSIDE IS GONNA BREAK MY FALL
NOTHING'S GONNA DIM MY LIGHT WITHIN
BUT IF I KEEP GOING ON
IT WILL NEVER BE IMPOSSIBLE, NOT TODAY
'CAUSE I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN
AS LONG AS I'M BREATHING
THERE IS NOT A LIMIT TO WHAT I CAN DREAM
'CAUSE I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN
MISSION TO KEEP CLIMBING
NOTHING ELSE CAN STOP ME IF I JUST BELIEVE
AND I BELIEVE IN ME
EVEN WHEN THE WORLD TRIES TO PULL ME DOWN
TELL ME THAT I CAN'T, TRY TO TURN ME AROUND
I WON'T LET THEM PUT MY FIRE OUT, WITHOUT NO!
BUT IF I KEEP GOING ON, IT WILL NEVER BE IMPOSSIBLE,
NOT TODAY...
'CAUSE I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN
AS LONG AS I'M BREATHING
THERE IS NOT A LIMIT TO WHAT I CAN DREAM
'CAUSE I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN
MISSION TO KEEP CLIMBING
NOTHING ELSE CAN STOP ME IF I JUST BELIEVE
AND I BELIEVE
I CAN DO IT ALL
OPEN EVERY DOOR
TURN UNTHINKABLE TO REALITY
YOU'LL SEE
I CAN DO IT ALL AND MORE..
BELIEVING, AS LONG AS I'M BREATHING
THERE IS NOT A LIMIT TO WHAT I CAN DREAM
BELIEVING, MISSION TO KEEP CLIMBING
NOTHING ELSE CAN STOP ME IF I JUST BELIEVE
AND I BELIEVE IN ME!
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